Sunday Blues

Yesterday was an odd Sunday for me. I woke up quite early already carrying the gloom of having to go to work on Monday, which is my least favorite way to start any day out. I haven’t had that feeling in quite some time and have had much success managing the stress at work, but for some reason the weight of it decided to hit hard this weekend. It was a such a beautiful day and the time spent with my husband was very nice, as always, but I could not shake the overwhelming dread of what was to come. Despite all of the tools at my disposal, the heaviness on my chest was determined to stick around. That heaviness turned into a strong, and I mean very strong desire to drink.

I was resting comfortably on the sofa with golf on TV late in the afternoon when my struggle to fight off the worries over work turned into a battle to get thoughts of alcohol out of my head. I fiercely tried to change my thoughts around by reminding myself about how badly I would feel afterward, but I still wanted to have that one glass of chardonnay or shot of whiskey. It didn’t matter what it was, I just needed to feel the warmth of it running down my throat. I reminded myself of all the work that I’ve been doing and how I want to change not only my future but want to help others with theirs, and how could I possibly do that if I had a drink? But that voice inside was persistent that it didn’t give a fuck about any of that. It didn’t care that I would have to take my 75 days of sobriety back down to 0 or about how anyone else might think of me. It didn’t want to consider any of the ramifications, it just wanted to lift a drink to my lips. My feelings were so overwhelming that I was nearly overcome with the desire for the old tool that I used to keep them at bay.

My husband could tell something was not right and asked if I was doing okay. I tried, but I couldn’t quite put what I was feeling into words, but I did end up confessing that I really wanted a drink in that moment. After a bit of talking through it, but still feeling the temptation, I decided to take myself out to the back yard to water my flowers and plant my bare feet in our cool grass. It was only for a few minutes, but that sensation has always been one of my favorites. Standing there in the grass, in the beauty of our yard at the home that I love made me feel grounded again. My anxiety didn’t totally disappear, but it relented enough that I was able to carry on with the rest of the evening without feeling like I was going to make a mad dash for a bottle.

I’m not new to this, I’ve talked about random urges to drink here before, but that doesn’t mean that these events don’t still surprise me, especially when the desire is so insatiable. I’m pretty self-aware these days and already have my suspicions about where all of this came from. It may have been part anxiety, part hormones, and part what I like to call the Sunday blues. No matter what the reasons, I am most importantly reminded of how precious my sobriety really is to me.  Even when things seem like they have been flowing much steadier and I can loosen my grip, I can still come up against a vicious tide that tries to sweep my feet out from under me. I do know that it won’t always be that way, but for now I will fight to keep myself grounded because it is so much better here in the calm.

76 days and counting…

Author: Tracie

I'm a 40-something woman & chronic blogger who also happens to be an adult child of an alcoholic, former Jehovah’s Witness, and abuse survivor. I’m fortunate to be where I am today; although I’m still figuring it all out, it’s finally time I owned my truth. Newly sober as of 2.20.18 Follow me on my new site: http://www.thetruthofbeingus.com

15 thoughts

  1. I’m glad you were able to discuss this with your husband and I’m sure his encouragement really matters, huh? I have found, at times, simply verbalizing what I was feeling to someone else helped me in tremendous ways. It’s something I need to keep in mind, for sure.

    Keep fighting! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you and yes, having my husband and being able to talk to him when it hits is so helpful. I was afraid to tell him, at first, I don’t want to keep hitting him with these things…but knew it was the right thing to do. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you did not drink. 🙂 Well done!!!! And yes to the Sunday thinking of Monday stress. In the first 10 years of my working carreerd I used to not be able to sleep for more than 4 or 5 hours because of that. 😦 Total panic. And nobody speaks about this because not cool. We live in a strange world.
    When I got sober I did a free, online alcohol desensitization course. Whenever I would have urges I would go online and do the course. It is a sort of (very boring btw) game which resets the brain to being not interested in alcohol. In addiction we develop a brainpath that says: worries? -> drink. Sad? -> drink. Happy? -> drink. Well, actually it says: drink and what fires together wires together in the brain. This game erases the wire together by teaching the brain to not be distracted by alcohol. It is like the path get hoed over (is that the right word?). I think it helped me tremendously. I hardly had any urges or cravings. Also, I put a stop to urges as soon as their heads pop up above the ground level. Kill and attack!!! 🙂 I’m not going to imagine how any glass of anything would feel in my throat because then this thought has already taken on big proportions which need big measures to counter them. I put a link and English manual on my WP account. It might be tedious to take all the first steps to sign up (push next next finish, but in Dutch) but I preferred to do the boring desensitization course to feeling urges. 🙂
    Glad your husband is with you. So important. 🙂 ❤
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing all of that, that game certainly sounds interesting and I could see how something like that could work. The work stress was quite bad for years, then I was able to get in a more manageable place for a time, but it’s creeping back in again. One thing I know I can not let it do is bring up this drinking urge within me again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nope, it is a strange world; everybody working above their stress level. I was trying to find a life where that is not so for me. I chose wrong unfortunately. Now I need to choose again. 🙂
        If you happen to have any questions about the game-desensitization let me know. I’ll be happy to answer.
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  3. These feelings come and go. You are nearing a point in your journey when the weight of things will start to hit you. I had a rough time about three months into it and really questioned why I was doing this. It is important to get out of your head in those times. It’s important to change perspective. Sometimes, that means changing your environment – like you did yesterday. Sometimes it means making a phone call. Sometimes it means talking to your soulmate. Staying honest is critical. When I was in my early sobriety I was afraid to tell my wife when I wanted to drink. I was afraid it would scare her. Sometimes, I’m still afraid to get honest with her when the urge hits (and it does occasionally still hit). And sometimes, I’m sure being honest is scary for her. But she always supports me. I’m glad you have that with you husband. Keep moving forward. You are doing great.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for this, Damien – incredibly helpful! I read it yesterday, but just haven’t been able to comment until now. I have to stay honest, being open about all of this is what keeps me going. I love that I have my husband to talk to (and he reads this blog, so he is in the know about all of it), but I was a little afraid of telling him about how bad the cravings were when they came on so strong that day. I was quiet about it at first, but not for long. I don’t want to continue to burden him with something he didn’t sign up for, but I also know that he loves and supports me and he has never once made me feel that way – so I’ll continue to be open with him. Most of all, I WILL continue to move forward – thank you for the encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Like Damien said, I love your honesty. And I especially love that you were able to get through this stress without drinking. All of the cliches are true because, well, they are cliches, and I think it is wonderful that you know that drinking will not solve the underlying problem. To be very candid, it has been quite a while since I have actually had the urge to drink….but it has NOT been awhile since I had that antsy, uncomfortable, dread feeling. In response I have: gone outside, meditated, exercised, and eaten ice cream. In a recent even I drank a milkshake so fast and so furiously that my ultimate response was to laugh at myself for how “hungry” for “something” I was! Anyway…..you are doing awesomely! Thanks as always for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, as always, for the support and encouragement. I am also so glad that I was able to get through it without drinking – it’s wild how the mind works. I knew it was being shady while I was right in the middle of it, but damn if it wasn’t persistent! I have learned a great deal about myself over the years, and especially so in this past year or so, and drinking is definitely not the solution for anything for me. I am working on so much right now for my future, things I’ll talk about here soon, that the last thing I want to do is throw all of that away. In reflecting back on the day, I can see now what my biggest problem was on Sunday – there was no ice cream in the house! Lesson learned.

      In all seriousness, thank you for taking the time to comment. I always appreciate your wisdom of these situations. I will continue to share, because that is what I must do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wouldn’t think for a moment that this was self promotion and I am so happy you shared it! I LOVED reading it! There are so many parts of your story that I can relate to…and how awesome that your first sober concert was MMJ! Mine was Jason Mraz acoustic shortly after getting sober…then Nathaniel Rateliff last night, of course. I already have tickets for a number of shows in the coming year. I only wish I had been sober at so many of the ones I’ve been to in the past, including MMJ (and most recently New Order, Depeche Mode, The Killers, The Flaming Lips, Social Distortion…okay, I’ll stop.) Thank you so much for sharing, my fellow music lover and sobriety brother! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Sundays were so hard when I was teaching. I had anxiety about the next day, too! I used to tell hubs I wanted to go shopping so I could persuade him to stop for a drink when we were out. I never could get sober while I was teaching, so kudos for you for doing this while having a high pressure job. My hubs is important for my sobriety, too, and I do tell him if I feel like a want a drink. That hardly happens anymore, but telling him gives me another accountably as well as support. It’s when I keep thing hidden that I start to get in trouble.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I look forward to the days when my telling him I want a drink becomes even more of a rarity. It’s so hard when we have stress about our jobs, I am very grateful for mine and for all that I’ve done with it, but the stress of it isn’t something I want to or even should feel for the rest of my working life. That kind of pressure just sucks the joy out of things. I can’t say for certain what direction I will ultimately take, but I do know that I can’t continue to let it impact me that way. Thank you so much for your comment and for reaching out in other ways…your kindness and thoughts mean a great deal. xo

      Liked by 1 person

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