Accountability

I have been sober for 43 days and while the frequency has lessened, I am still faced with moments where I want to grab a drink. Just two days ago, my husband decided to have one beer while grilling our dinner. He always thoughtfully checks in with me first to make sure it won’t be a bother and all I can ever think is “damn, it must be nice to be a normie.” As I was in the kitchen preparing the vegetables, he stepped outside but happened to leave his cold beer glass on the counter. I found myself staring at it almost longingly, like something out of a trashy romance novel. I didn’t even particularly want the beer itself, but I was overcome with the thought that I could just sneak a quick swig. Just one to remember the taste. Just one to get that nice warm feeling in my belly. If I was fast, my husband would never even know. But I didn’t do it because I would know. Then, as it has time and time again since my day one, something else came up for me. Accountability to others.

Many of you know that I have not yet made a decision on going to AA and so far, I feel like I’ve done just fine without it. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have support, and much of that support has been right here in this space and through social media – Twitter, in particular, with the #recoveryposse. What came as a very pleasant and unexpected surprise during my journey into sobriety are the connections that I would make through these resources. The recovery community runs far and wide across the world and so many people come together in these corners of the web, and it is powerful. Every time that I’ve considered picking up a drink I think of them, or more appropriately, I think of all of ‘you’ who are reading this right now. In those moments of near weakness, I have considered what it would feel like to admit to all of you if I took a drink again and my heart breaks at the thought.

While accountability to myself is my top priority, the power behind the connections I’ve been building has undoubtedly helped me to pass up drinking on countless occasions. Even if I’m not in front of my phone or computer screen, you are all always with me. Your support and encouragement speak volumes at times you may not even realize. I am grateful each and every moment for the online recovery community. If what lies just beyond my fingertips is so powerful, I can only imagine the power of what might lie within a face-to-face recovery community and it’s possible that I’ll take that leap one day. For the time being, I’m quite certain I wouldn’t have made it this far without all of you. Consider this a giant thank you to all of you beautiful, online recovery community people!

 

Author: Tracie Anne

I'm a 40-something woman & chronic blogger who also happens to be an adult child of an alcoholic, former Jehovah’s Witness, and abuse survivor. I’m fortunate to be where I am today; although I’m still figuring it all out, it’s finally time I owned my truth. Newly sober as of 2.20.18

13 thoughts

  1. Great post! I’ve stopped going to my recovery meetings as I don’t think I need them. As you say, the online community is amazing and we know there’s always someone at the end of a tweet to help. I get those longing thoughts to have a taste as well. I’m not sure if you’ve tried alcohol free drinks but they’ve saved me and I can’t really taste the difference. Whether that’s because I don’t remember what the ‘real thing’ tastes like anymore, I don’t know but they’re absolutely fine. Whenever I fancy a beer, I grab one of them. I’m yet to try AF red wine but I’ve been given some recommendations. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Claire! I appreciate your stopping by and commenting, as always! I really have no idea how to feel about recovery meetings – I may never need them and I worry a little that my only goal would be for personal connection with others who are in sobriety and that me not wanting to “work the steps” could be an issue. Not that I don’t want to work the steps – see, I have no idea what to do when it comes to meetings! I guess I need to go first to figure that out. 🙂 I love that AF drinks work for you, I think I prefer to stay clear of them – I’m concerned that even the familiar taste could push me to a different level. I am experimenting with some “mocktails” though – mostly fruit juices and club soda, but I’ve found some great herbal additions that have been enjoyable as I’m not a big sweet drinker, in general.

      Like

      1. I went to SMART Recovery because I’m not keen on the whole AA thing and working the steps. I know it works for some people but it’s not really for me as I know I would get fed up with it. I stayed away from AF drinks until I was almost 2 months sober because of the exact same reasons. I only tried them for the first on Christmas Day because I was having a meltdown and it was a case of anything to take the want for alcohol away. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That sounds like a good enough reason to have an AF drink to me! I think they are great for anyone who can do them, I’m just not there yet – and not sure I ever will be. Who knows…one day at a time, right?

        Like

  2. 🙂 Good that you did not drink. And YES to the power of the posse!
    Remember that it is way easier to stay sober than to be drinking and then needing to get yourself organised to quit again. Ooh, sigh, I can’t even think of having to do that again…. brrrrrr… naussea.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good for you for not drinking! I know I encounter these situations too and they are tough. For example, yesterday I went for a bike ride and passed one of my favorite places that I drank craft beers and the thought hit me to stop and having a beer (or more, because it wouldn’t have been just one) and then going home on the bike. It was a strange thought, because I knew I didn’t want to, but I did at the same time.

    Anyways, this is a great post and I’m thankful for having read it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! Isn’t it strange when those random thoughts pop up? They happen to me at odd times, and it isn’t even always about a craving – it’s just about the action of having a drink or the circumstances around it. I suppose for me it’s just because drinking was such a habit and was a part of every single thing I did. I can completely relate to your comment about not wanting to, but wanting to at the same time. It happens for me so often.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s