Alone With Relapse

Today I noticed how alone I feel, but this is no one’s fault but my own. I could blame the drinking, or the attempt to stop drinking, but that isn’t it. There is no blame to be made, but there is change that needs to happen. After celebrating success of not drinking for 12 days (almost not drinking, there was that one beer on the 6th day), I decided to have a glass of wine with my lunch on Saturday. I was proud because I didn’t even finish it, and then I didn’t even want more. Then came Sunday, I had two glasses of wine around 3 then switched to water. Several hours later I slowly sipped on a cocktail while enjoying a cool evening outside by the fire pit with E, but I was pleased with myself because that was all I had. It was far less than I would have normally imbibed. Usually, once I start with a glass in the afternoon, I would have kept things rolling and by the time that cocktail was in my hands, I would have wanted at least one or two more to finish off the night. But, not this time. This time I had a sense that maybe I really could control myself – until Monday.

It isn’t that I did anything terrible, but just when I thought I wouldn’t have a drink on Monday, by 4 in the afternoon I was reaching for the rest of the bottle of Chardonnay that I had opened the prior day. When I polished that off, I next did a quick run to the freezer to take a swig of vodka as fast as I could while my husband was in the bathroom. I don’t even know what came over me. I’m not sure what I was looking to accomplish or why I felt the need. I didn’t sleep well and I woke up filled with shame. It’s a shame that I haven’t been able to shake, and with it came an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I want to reach out and talk to someone about this, I want to be able to share my thoughts and be understood, but today I feel alone in it. I didn’t tell my husband yet that I snuck the vodka when he wasn’t looking, but when I did express that I felt guilty three days in a row, he was just supportive in the way he always is by telling me it wasn’t a big deal and that I could get back on track today. I love that about him, I really do, but maybe I need someone to really get how this feels and why it’s so hard on me. My husband and friends will never tell me they think I have an issue with drinking and I know I’ve even been back and forth about it myself.

I’m usually someone who can put emotions aside when I get to the office, but today is a struggle. I need community. I need to be able to relate to others, and while the podcasts have been an incredible help, I need actual people.  I keep one of my favorite books of inspiration on my desk and occasionally flip through the pages when I’m in need of a little grounding or guidance.  Thank you, Cheryl Strayed, for these words of wisdom today:

If it is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.

My Today I Noticed posts are unedited moments written on the fly.

Author: Tracie Anne

I'm a 40-something woman & chronic blogger who also happens to be an adult child of an alcoholic, former Jehovah’s Witness, and abuse survivor. I’m fortunate to be where I am today & although I’m still figuring it all out, it’s finally time I owned my truth. Newly sober as of 2.20.18

14 thoughts

    1. Thanks, Eva. It absolutely is. I am thankful for my therapist but I definitely see the strong need for support from others who have been through this or something similar. I really appreciate your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I am trying to figure that out – I’ve been researching area AA meetings and I’m not positive that’s the right direction for me yet, but these past few days are making me seriously consider it. It’s a bit nerve-wracking for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand completely.

        I was looking for an online group type setting for myself to ease my way in but I don’t see that’s an available option as of yet.

        Sending you strength to get through day by day XO

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for the encouragement – it is appreciated more than I can express. I am also seeking an online group of sorts…and have been checking a few resources out without great success just yet.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you – as will I! So, I tried an online Smart Recovery meeting last night – it’s an alternative to AA, and they have in-person meetings in some areas, but they seem much more limited. I’m still looking into this, I’ve only just started to check it out. However, spending an hour with the meeting kept me from obsessing about having a drink – so that’s a start.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I did the same for years. I would allow myself one glass of wine, maybe two on an afternoon and although the struggle was hard I sometimes would leave it there. More often than not I would carry on but managed to just stick with a couple sometimes. The guilt of carrying on would go on for days and I’d try convincing myself I did nothing wrong. The guilt was also there when I only had a couple because I felt guilty that I craved more and I knew it was wrong. I stayed sober for 15 days in October then messed it all up. I started again the day after but like you say, I felt guilty but that disappeared after a few days. It’s not easy this addiction thing. Try to not be so hard on yourself. You’re doing amazing! Be a little bit kinder to yourself and just start a fresh tomorrow. Big hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement, sharing and for telling me a bit of what you’ve gone through – this was so helpful to me this evening. The guilt runs strong, but it’s that much more of a reason for me to see that something about my drinking just isn’t right. Much like you, I spend time trying to convince myself that it’s all okay if I just have a drink or two – but the reality is starting to really set in that this isn’t the case. One day at a time, right? Hugs right back at you!

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      1. I’m glad I’ve been able to help a little. It took me a very long time to realise that I’ll never be able to have just one drink but I guess it only clicks when we’re ready. Sometimes when I think about my drinking I can’t believe I actually thought I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was so clear to everyone but me! If they did try to stop me I’d have only done what I want anyway as that’s how alcohol makes me. I really do think you’ll get there but only when the time is right. Yes, one day at a time. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I too understand where you are. I used to do the same…sneak drinks while hubs was doing something else.
    As I am just reading your blog now, do have any real life support?
    Who can you trust to tell your fears. When I was finally able to get sober, I found on-linw was not enough for me.
    I told some yoga teachers who I knew well, told all my family and friends, went to AA, started my blog, got a therapist, went to Women for Recovery, found a sponsor. Sounds crazy, but I needed TONS of support and accountability.

    Big Hugs!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Wendy! I just reached to WFS today to see if there are any groups that meet in my area. I am also planning to attend a Smart Recovery meeting tomorrow to see what that is all about, I’m considering AA but have mixed feelings because of the higher power thing. I’m still unsure where I stand on that given my background with religion, although I realize it can be whatever you make it. I think I’m just nervous about the whole thing. My therapist is wonderful and incredibly supportive, so that helps – and she’s pushing me to find other avenues of support. It’s a lot to take in, even though I feel like I’ve been sort of preparing for this for a while…it’s hitting me now like a ton of bricks!

      Liked by 1 person

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