Today I noticed how alone I feel, but this is no one’s fault but my own. I could blame the drinking, or the attempt to stop drinking, but that isn’t it. There is no blame to be made, but there is change that needs to happen. After celebrating success of not drinking for 12 days (almost not drinking, there was that one beer on the 6th day), I decided to have a glass of wine with my lunch on Saturday. I was proud because I didn’t even finish it, and then I didn’t even want more. Then came Sunday, I had two glasses of wine around 3 then switched to water. Several hours later I slowly sipped on a cocktail while enjoying a cool evening outside by the fire pit with E, but I was pleased with myself because that was all I had. It was far less than I would have normally imbibed. Usually, once I start with a glass in the afternoon, I would have kept things rolling and by the time that cocktail was in my hands, I would have wanted at least one or two more to finish off the night. But, not this time. This time I had a sense that maybe I really could control myself – until Monday.
It isn’t that I did anything terrible, but just when I thought I wouldn’t have a drink on Monday, by 4 in the afternoon I was reaching for the rest of the bottle of Chardonnay that I had opened the prior day. When I polished that off, I next did a quick run to the freezer to take a swig of vodka as fast as I could while my husband was in the bathroom. I don’t even know what came over me. I’m not sure what I was looking to accomplish or why I felt the need. I didn’t sleep well and I woke up filled with shame. It’s a shame that I haven’t been able to shake, and with it came an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I want to reach out and talk to someone about this, I want to be able to share my thoughts and be understood, but today I feel alone in it. I didn’t tell my husband yet that I snuck the vodka when he wasn’t looking, but when I did express that I felt guilty three days in a row, he was just supportive in the way he always is by telling me it wasn’t a big deal and that I could get back on track today. I love that about him, I really do, but maybe I need someone to really get how this feels and why it’s so hard on me. My husband and friends will never tell me they think I have an issue with drinking and I know I’ve even been back and forth about it myself.
I’m usually someone who can put emotions aside when I get to the office, but today is a struggle. I need community. I need to be able to relate to others, and while the podcasts have been an incredible help, I need actual people. I keep one of my favorite books of inspiration on my desk and occasionally flip through the pages when I’m in need of a little grounding or guidance. Thank you, Cheryl Strayed, for these words of wisdom today:
If it is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.
My Today I Noticed posts are unedited moments written on the fly.