Today I noticed that it felt good not to have a drink last night. It may not have felt so good last night when I was agonizing over wanting just one glass of wine, but this morning I am proud of myself. I don’t know what kind of drinking problem I have, but I do know that my relationship with alcohol isn’t heading down a good path. I don’t drink massive amounts every day, but I do tend to drink every day. I’ve pondered over this for a long time, I’ve even tried to stop for periods here and there, only to convince myself that it’s no big deal, really. Drinking is fun, it’s relaxing, it’s something I enjoy with friends or after a long day of work. What could be wrong with that? But something feels different for me this time.
I’ve come to realize that when I drink, I am doing a disservice to myself. I don’t write, I don’t read, I skip meditation and I don’t exercise as much. In short, I neglect the things that I love for a love that is growing far superior to those things, the love of how the alcohol makes me feel. I’ve given great consideration over the past couple of years of how short life can really be, yet when I spend every night in a haze, no matter how slight, I am robbing myself of time. I am diminishing the power that lies inside of me and stifling any purpose that I might have.
What changed this time? What made me view this so differently as all the times that I’ve thought about this before? Well, I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself through therapy and overall self-awareness this past year, and I am realizing that it’s impossible to heal all of the other areas in my life if I’m blatantly ignoring a big red flag that is staring me down. These thoughts were triggered yesterday while listening to a recent episode of the The Bubble Hour which featured an interview with Andrea Owen. I went through a spell a number of months ago where this podcast was on regular rotation, it was what I turned to in order to prevent grabbing that glass of wine each night. But, it was not successful because I don’t think I was looking at it the right way. I wasn’t really seeing into myself so clearly, and I’m not saying that I necessarily do right at this moment, but when I listened to the show with Andrea yesterday, it felt like I had been hit by a bolt of lightning. I want so much more out of this life and I’m letting it waste away by letting alcohol slowly take over.
I don’t know what this means for me yet as I move forward. I don’t know if this means that I am completely stopping, and if it’s wrong that I haven’t made that commitment, or if it means that I am going to just put limits on the drinking. What I do know is that I want to feel good, I want to express myself, I want to live fully and with a drink or three every day, that won’t happen. It feels that this new concept is a pretty good place to start.
The “Today I Noticed” posts started as a writing project that I’ve decided to continue. These are completely in-the-moment posts, no editing, no reworking, just my voice as it is right now.