Today I noticed the feeling of a long holiday week hitting me. Technically, I need to work about a day and a half next week, but I can do it from home and it won’t really impact me much. The biggest and best part about the next 11 days is the time that I get to spend with E, my husband. We are apart nearly all the time, it’s been that way since the beginning of our relationship almost 13 years ago. I get tired of people saying that sounds like the perfect relationship when they find out that he travels for work each week (and I’m talking M-F travel, Monday morning through Friday night), but we actually like each other so no, it isn’t perfect. In fact, it’s pretty lonely many times. Although my problem is that I’ve found myself in a situation where I think I’m isolating a lot during the week. I go to the office, or I hit the road for work, but I don’t socialize outside of work until the weekend comes. This means that I am alone, a lot. I used to be more active with friends while E was gone, but it has changed. I think it might have something to do with the fact that most times spent with friends involves drinking, and I don’t want to be out doing that during the week. Plus, everyone has someone. Everyone is with their significant other and then there is just me, and I don’t particularly want to be the 3rd wheel all of the time. The truth is that I really, desperately do want some normalcy and want to come home to dinner with E each night, or at least for more than two of them. I want to make plans with him during the week, I want to stop walking in to an empty house, I want to stop isolating. I know that eventually it will change, and we even had about a year where he was here regularly, I just have to figure out some other way to have social interaction. It’s my own fault, it’s scary to try new things and a hell of a lot easier to stay within my comfort zone in my cozy home that I adore. But I’m tired. I’m tired of wasting time. I’m getting older and there is so much adventure to be had that I am missing out on because of the damn comfort zone. How do I step outside of the box and take a leap? Will people even want to start up new friendships at this stage in life? Listen to me, I’m only in my 40s, but I guess I’m just used to everyone else having their lives already settled. It isn’t as if mine isn’t settled, it obviously is, but I mean settled in terms of friends. It isn’t even like I am looking for something serious, just human connection outside of the usual weekends, that’s all. I guess I need to stop signing up for classes and activities only to chicken out at the last minute and stay home in my yoga pants instead. This is just getting ridiculous.
If you want to understand the randomness and reason this is messy and unedited, check out the first one here.