I’ve been stuck. I love to write, but I’ve been stuck, so I’ve decided to take on a 10-day daily prompt writing for 10 minutes about “Today I noticed”. I just completed the first one, and I never intended on sharing this here, but the moment I finished (which was just about 15 minutes ago) it hit me that maybe this is exactly where it needs to be. That is the point of this blog, it’s my truth, and this is about as real as it can get. No editing, no checking punctuation, no rewrites – my 10 minutes of writing for the next 10 days using the prompt “Today I noticed” exactly as it is. Welcome to Day 1.
Today I noticed that when my alarm went off, the last thing I wanted to do was jump out of bed. I told Alexa to push it back a half hour, but the best part, and true to form, I did wake up and decide to fight against the thoughts that wanted to keep me from moving and pushed myself to spend 10 minutes doing yoga. I noticed during that time, that I struggled to focus and stay on my mat, which is also why it was only 10 minutes. 10 minutes of my mind coming back to my breath, followed quickly by the thoughts escaping me, followed by more breathing, followed by more drifting. My brain seems to be all over the place these days, which is part of why I’m struggling to find words to write – I don’t even think that it’s that I can’t find words, it’s that I won’t create the space for the time to write. My mind jumps around, and I can hear it – that roommate, the ego inside chattering about everything. The interesting thing now is that I notice it, and that is the big part of mindfulness, right? Just noticing and paying attention to what that voice keeps telling you, and no, this isn’t like actual voices. It’s the thing that we all have inside, it’s constantly speaking, there is always an inner dialogue happening, we just don’t always realize it until we do. Now that I’m paying attention, I feel that there is more control to quiet it, although I haven’t fully grasped that ability just yet. This morning on my mat I kept going to the place where I lose my boundaries with other people and take on what they are feeling or going through as if it is my fault. I did it as a child, always second guessing my every move. Always wondering what I might have done to cause their problems or feelings, even when it makes absolutely no sense at all and I know definitively that I did not create this, but that sense is always with me. It’s back to that walking on eggshells thing, only it isn’t just that it was with my parents, it’s with me all of the time. It’s hovering over my shoulders walking with me every single day.